The Danger of Eating Bread
As heard on The Phil Valentine Show / source unknown

A recent newspaper headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health
hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of
baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic
components of this aroma may break down ozone.
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced
global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the
government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little
research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....
THE FINDINGS
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1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole
nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24
hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a
mouse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS
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Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we
propose the following bread restrictions
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.